misterx: (Default)
I've heard several examples of people using "big-ass" as an adjective lately, and I would like to warn you of the dangers inherent in this linguistic structure. Namely, that any use of this modifier is subject to misinterpretation, especially when used vocally, or when the hypen is admitted. For instance...

Example 1: "I killed a big ass spider in the bathroom today."
You probably meant that you killed a large spider. But it is also possible you just admitted you have ass spiders, which is just nasty. If you have ass spiders, don't admit it. Seek help.

Example 2: "I made a big ass mistake at work today."
Really? You made a big "ASS MISTAKE"? At WORK? What the hell were you thinking? Dude, you are soooo fired.

Example 3: "I need a big ass fucking vacation."
Really Mr. Buttram? You need a big, ass fucking vacation? Whatever floats your boat I guess. I hope I don't see you until you return. And yes, it was really said by someone named Buttram. I will not let him live it down.

In conclusion, I hope you are able to learn from their mistakes, and spare yourself the social repercussions.
misterx: (blah blah blah)
Why, if you go to Amazon and enter Amazon.com in the search field (early morning error, don't ask), does it offer this as the first result?

Buy new$19.95 $17.99
11 Used & new from $8.83
Get it by Thursday, Jun 11 if you order in the next 8 hours and choose one-day shipping.
Eligible for FREE Super Saver Shipping.
3.6 out of 5 stars (12)

This is on a browser that is not logged in and cookies cleared, so I don't think it's me. What do you get?
misterx: (Default)
OFIM good people. As you may know, spam is like a word association game for me, I judge the quality of spam by the first thing that pops into my head when I read it.

"You can be ugly and stupid as long as your shaft is big."
Why am I picturing Vern Troyer walking next to Samuel L Jackson?

"Boost your health with Acai Berry."
acai thx bai

"You will find online shopping for drugs very convenient."
You will also find you have new package delivery guys in blue uniforms.

"After you enlarge your penis you can feel all the enjoyments of this life."
But, you must feel only with your penis, that is the catch. "Hey honey, feel how soft this sweater is... OMFG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?"

"Feeling unneeded in bed? We can change it to different feeling."
Like unneeded at work too.

"Satisfy Your Loveer"
I am particularly intrigued by this combination of the words "lover" and "veer". Except that the word "veer" is typically heard in news reports, as in "...causing him to veer into oncoming traffic". Perhaps you will satisfy him/her so much, they will veer into traffic. But seriously, you shouldn't be doing that while driving. Get a room.

"Being a real man is a hard job, but it's easier with a blue pill."
Real men choose the red pill, and see how deep the rabbit hole goes.

"Bust a move"
Says she wanna dance cuz she likes the groove, so come on fatso just bust a move. You want it, baby you got it...

"Vacancy of the accounting assistant"

You got that right, she's a total airhead.

"You hate when your friend down there ignores a hot chick."

Freakin' Igor, he has a one track mind. Always with the brains, that one!  Igor, get out of the graveyards and bring me a hottie!

"Loan mortgage car"
Guys, come on, you aren't even trying anymore. Don't give up. At least make an attempt to get past the filters.

"Is this a photoshop?"
No, this looks spammed. I can tell from some of the pixels, and from seeing quite a few spams in my time.

"Amazing weight loss in the shortest time possible"
Try the Eviscerator 2000! It slices, it dices...

"Continues to Execute Aggressive Development of Immune-O-Therapy"
What exactly is "Immune-O-Therapy"? As in, Immune Orgasm Therapy? I may be willing to try this. And you say you are developing it aggressively? Even better. :)

"Age is no longer a barrier for me in bed"
Yep. I'm now dating 90-year-olds.

And, because I appreciate innovation even if it's spam, I share this with you... some enterprising spammer made the word viagra made by coloring in blocks of an html table. I got it in an email entitled "Allarm!":


Its fun! Resize your browser to watch the word change. It's like they emailed me a toy.  I'm still not buying any though.



misterx: (Default)

"UPDATE 4.47pm: A VOODOO pencil case could be pulled from the shelves after child advocates claimed it encouraged bullying.The controversial canvas Smiggle voodoo pencil case includes a space to put a small photo, but critics say it is simply encouraging children to hex their friends."

misterx: (Default)
(3:38:47 PM) codeninja.king: fish
(3:39:22 PM) vaughnteegarden: thats a halibut thing to say
(3:40:23 PM) codeninja.king: I dont use that phrase very often, just herron there
(3:42:05 PM) vaughnteegarden: maybe you should just clam up until you can change your tuna
(3:43:03 PM) codeninja.king: I just need a new angle on it
(3:44:25 PM) vaughnteegarden: if that's how you eel, then get one. just don't get snapper with me.
(3:46:08 PM) codeninja.king: better watch out, I might just sturgeon you
(3:46:18 PM) vaughnteegarden: wanna betta?
(3:46:35 PM) codeninja.king: I'll make you flounder
(3:46:46 PM) codeninja.king: and fluke your eyes out
(3:47:24 PM) vaughnteegarden: then i'd be walleyed. I don't want that. I'll just say on my perch
(3:48:10 PM) codeninja.king: I'll mako you listen!
(3:48:52 PM) vaughnteegarden: ah, don't get all puffered up. fin time, you'll forget we even had this conversation.
(3:50:28 PM) codeninja.king: 5 mins from now I wont remember we haddok
(3:50:31 PM) vaughnteegarden: catfish got your tongue?
(3:50:48 PM) vaughnteegarden: i was starting to think you couldn't kipper going. ;)
(3:50:59 PM) codeninja.king: it's gettin roughy
(3:51:07 PM) vaughnteegarden: I knew you cod do it
(3:51:31 PM) vaughnteegarden: you've got sole.
(3:52:18 PM) codeninja.king: so does my wife, piranha, her friend
(3:52:52 PM) vaughnteegarden: You want me to leave you abalone?
(3:53:22 PM) codeninja.king: man, I got bigger fish to fry
(3:54:15 PM) vaughnteegarden: salmon gotta stop us, before we kriller somebody
(3:55:01 PM) vaughnteegarden: this is starting to mako my head hurt.
(3:55:22 PM) vaughnteegarden: it's challenging my mental a-gill-ity
(3:55:46 PM) vaughnteegarden: and I don't want to become anemone to you
(3:56:00 PM) codeninja.king: it's ok, you're my frond
(3:56:22 PM) codeninja.king: who needs anemones when you have fronds?
(3:57:45 PM) vaughnteegarden: You're right! we should trout it from the rooftops!
(3:57:57 PM) vaughnteegarden: No more of this crappie arguing!
(3:58:49 PM) codeninja.king: just for the halibut!
(3:59:12 PM) vaughnteegarden: we'll have a whale of a time.
(3:59:28 PM) vaughnteegarden: we could even invite the small fry along.
(4:00:07 PM) codeninja.king: all of us cramed into one vehicle like sardines?
(4:00:28 PM) vaughnteegarden: yep, in one big grouper.
(4:01:22 PM) codeninja.king: dont forget good ol antchovie
(4:01:23 PM) vaughnteegarden: i just hope we don't wreck, they'll need the jaws of life to get us out.
(4:01:44 PM) vaughnteegarden: I dunno, she's kind of a beach to me.
(4:02:22 PM) vaughnteegarden: not exactly a ray of light.
(4:02:25 PM) codeninja.king: shes a social jellyfish though
(4:02:38 PM) codeninja.king: just floating through the crowds
(4:03:28 PM) vaughnteegarden: I did like the way she smelt
(4:04:06 PM) vaughnteegarden: maybe if she was just more koi, I'd like her
(4:04:30 PM) vaughnteegarden: i'll try my best to be nice next time i sea her
(4:05:51 PM) vaughnteegarden: i'll kiss her on urchin
(4:06:00 PM) codeninja.king: just don't say anyting about her red mullet
(4:06:11 PM) vaughnteegarden: why, would she turn into a crab?
(4:06:29 PM) codeninja.king: she might beech slap you
(4:07:04 PM) vaughnteegarden: what would be the porpoise of that?
(4:07:22 PM) vaughnteegarden: she might pull a mussel.
(4:07:39 PM) codeninja.king: I dunno, but she has flukes in her personality sometimes
(4:08:11 PM) vaughnteegarden: am I herring you correctly? that could break some social morays
(4:08:57 PM) codeninja.king: she tried to capture a bee one time and use it to sting ray
(4:09:13 PM) codeninja.king: she's Crayze
(4:09:37 PM) vaughnteegarden: holy mackeral
(4:10:04 PM) vaughnteegarden: wait, are you trying to bait me? I think you're trolling
(4:10:46 PM) codeninja.king: Im just going with the flow, trying to keep my head above water
(4:11:40 PM) vaughnteegarden: you know, chum, I knew there was some reason I lake you
(4:12:41 PM) codeninja.king: I thought it was my deep blue eyes
(4:13:10 PM) vaughnteegarden: nah, it was your pearly whites
(4:13:25 PM) codeninja.king: ahh, well, tank you
(4:13:30 PM) vaughnteegarden: you do octopi a special place in my heart though
(4:14:27 PM) codeninja.king: watch out, you might make my wife jelli s
(4:14:51 PM) vaughnteegarden: well, i don't want to anchor her
(4:15:35 PM) vaughnteegarden: I'm laughing my bass off, i"m going to have to quit soon.
(4:15:40 PM) vaughnteegarden: so don't try to lure me in
(4:15:57 PM) codeninja.king: theis kind of humor is hard to master
(4:16:04 PM) vaughnteegarden: for reel.
(4:16:21 PM) codeninja.king: all this laughing might keel me
(4:16:58 PM) vaughnteegarden: it might if you were driving your gar, but you should be safe
(4:18:21 PM) codeninja.king: I think perhaps we should keelhaul this conversation, and let it sink to the briney deep
(4:19:12 PM) vaughnteegarden: oh buoy, I knew you'd say that
(4:19:46 PM) vaughnteegarden: ... well don't just silt there, say something
misterx: (Default)
Spam is more fun when you don't click, and just fill in the blanks with your imagination.

Fw: To busy to go to school ?

Too busy to tell the difference between adverbs and particles/prepositions?

Women never push aside men with big and bulgy pride.
And here I thought it was a beer belly. Sweet!

Nominate yourself for a Certificate...
and call yourself Admiral. You still won't get hired.

This is not a wonder these great watches are truly cheap.
Honesty in advertising. Refreshing.

Show your friends how filthy rich You are

Quit bathing, then pay them to not notice your smell.

FW: Your academic qualification expired
Right about the time people noticed it was printed on a Hardees wrapper.

Watch important changes in your love life.
We've hidden an internet cam in your bedroom!

RE: Pharmacy Message "Kentucky "
Shit... now where'd I leave my decoder ring...

The things are really bad when your male friend is dead.
Especially since he's the pilot.

Your excitement will be shown in your pants.
Your gullibility will be shown in your wallet.

blue pill :)
delete button :)

Don't let ED stop you
That Ed is a total killjoy, don't listen to him.

Messaage Alert - You Have 1 Important Unread Message
Protip: it's not this one.

Now you can shape your body the way you want.
Clay voodoo dolls, 50% off.

You will see the interest in women's eyes every time you take your pants off.
They will be wondering... "Why is this mans pantsless on the sidewalk?"

Make Money from Home on Craigslist

Stock up on massage oil and tissues, you'll be needing them.

US Citizen Money Available
to everybody but US Citizens.

Simple eBay System Turns Your Computer into Money Printer
Actually, a $30 scanner turned my computer into a money printer, but thanks for writing.

Yes or no
That would be a big flaming NO, fucknuts.

Be her wild prince of pleasure
Or, for 50% off, be her mildly rowdy commoner of cautious optimism

Give your bomb longer timer
Man, this Jihadi newsletter is full of great tips.

Your wife will love beautiful Tag Heuer
And she will love his big and bulgy pride even more.

misterx: (blah blah blah)
Hello. My name is Oksana. I understand that you don't know me, and I
don't know you, but in the future all can change probably. I ask that
you have given me some minutes on perusals of my letter. I hope that
it will not make difficulty to you. Agency Acquaintances in Cheboksary
gave me your e-mail address. To me explained that you very good person
and you very much approach to me. I have come to Agency to find the
future husband from other country. Why from another country? Because I
have been very much disappointed with Men from my country and now I
search my life in abroad. I has tired to be lonely and to carry spend
all days equally. I want to love and to be happy! I asked myself a
question why I can not it. And I come in this agency with such the
request that they have helped me to find the person for that I will
happy. Yes certainly I have paid some money that has found the person
for me. But what is it the money in comparison with love? Nothing. It
is simply emptiness. Love is the most important feeling in a life,
without which our lives grey and empty. I shall not speak how many I
have paid. I hope that you will understand me. I very much hope that
you will be interested in me and we can continue our dialogue after
that letters. And I very much hope that I shall leave in yours opinion
good Impression about me. I want to tell some words about me. As I
already spoke my name is Oksana. I'm 28 years. I live in Cheboksary.
You can look my external qualities in my photo which I have attached
in the letter. I live with my mum together and I work as doctor. I
have gone studies on this profession, in order to help people. I look
like on my father because he gave your life to rescue the little girl,
and he has rescued her only he lost. I shall tell you about it later.
I love my professional though In Russia it is not as well appreciated
as in other foreign countries. I love an active way of life but time
not suffices. In my life I dream to find the person with which I can
to lead all life and I shall be happy. I dream about big and cheerful,
friendly family. I don't search ideal man. The main thing that in him
there were high qualities as skill to love, to respect, to appreciate
relations, to love children and is skilful to love and make the happy
partner. For me the age does not matter because the love has not
limit. I very much hope that you will write to me and will tell about
yourself. I am already lonely very long time. I had earlier shot
relations but it was failed. I very much hope that you become my
unique person in my life. So let's not lose time. I ask you that you
have answered my letter and then we can learn each other better. I
hope that I have liked to you. If serious relations aren't interesting
to you or I am not pleasant to you, say me it please. Is it well?

I very much ask that you have answered to me ONLY to my personal e-mail: oksank4ka2009@googlemail.com

I shall wait from you the letter with the big impatience!
Bye bye!
Tired from loneliness Oksana.

I really wasn't connecting with Oksana until I saw the fish picture. Now, I have to say, I dream about big and cheerful.

misterx: (Default)
A friend sent me this, and I think it's great.

And since the video doesn't appear to be working when I use the "embed media" feature of the editor, here is the link: 

misterx: (Default)
Yeah, this strikes me as strange. This strikes me as something I'll be able to find on sale in bulk at discount stores, when the grocery stores realize nobody will buy it.

Kellog's All Bran. You picture a brown twig-like cereal, right? Stuff that turns to brown mush quicker than even Raisin Bran, right? Good. Now picture this colon-enriching experience getting chummy with your ice tea.

If you are following, you may see why I expect a surplus of this stuff. Who wants to cool down with a nice glass of refreshing iced bran goop? A marketing Titanic, heading straight for the iceberg.

My active imagination aside, the reality isn't so bad. It just so happens the wife found a box of this stuff somewhere, and brought it home. I have eyed the single-serve packet that has sat near my keyboard for two days now, afraid to violate my water in such an unholy way. But today, maybe because I've listened to too much pirate rap and it's rotting my brain, I poured it into my water cup and stirred it around.

It sure is brown and semi-opaque. But surprisingly, it dissolved quickly and fully, resulting in a decent approximation of normal "iced tea mix" beverage. No chunks, no bran flakes in my teeth. I'm a little creeped out how they got the bran in there, but so far it seems harmless enough.

But since I had to visit Kellog's site to find this picture, I want to point out that the folks at Kellogs are a bit confused at what constitutes a "beverage". Here is a link to their "Products" page: http://www2.kelloggs.com/Product/Product.aspx Now, in the left menu, click "Beverages", and then pick either the All-Bran or Special-K brand. You will see that out of approximately 45 products total, only five are liquid. If a bowl of dry All-Bran with extra fiber counts as a liquid, then we should all start showering with fiberglass insulation tomorrow.
misterx: (Default)
On ICQ no less. That ought to narrow down the suspects to about a dozen. :) Anybody still use ICQ out there?
(8:14:15 AM) 401404014: Hello the dear person. I am very glad to write to you as I wished to offer you the good transaction. I am assured it to you it is not pleasant, but is simple to you where from it to get to as I hope you value your close people? And I am assured such person at you there are also you would not want that with it that does not happen and wish it only good... Well and what with it that does not happen that simply from you I I ask 50 WMZ and all I will lag behind you and more when I will not write. You probably ask yourselves as I know where do you live, is simple when I have added you in the list that I at once have learnt yours IP and your place a finding..... I will look forward to hearing....With greetings Russian mafia...

(8:47:02 AM) 444000: hello, Ivanutu Fukov
misterx: (Default)
Who knew that drug cartels were into stitchery?


Here is an example of what the stitchery might look like:
misterx: (blah blah blah)
Which ever country has the least number of downloads will be asked to leave island Earth. Montserrat, you better step up, you have only have 31 downloads pledged.

Maybe they are a people of action, not words. We shall see.

misterx: (Default)
Yesterday I was running the Althaea Soaps booth at the Blue Plum Festival. I was hanging back in the shade of a doorway, talking to fellow photographer Susan (I'll link her LJ when I know it) and keeping an eye on the booth. I had just gotten some ribbon fries (spiral cut potato fries), and they were sitting on the table, along with my camera, and all the soaps.

A stooped old woman with tan skin and slightly wild hair shuffles up. She's wearing a long, sleeveless pink polyester dress. She looks a bit left, a bit right... I thought she was looking at the soaps. But no. She reaches out, and grabs a huge handful of my potato fries. She holds the plate and sops up every bit of the ketchup, and then takes a huge bite of the handful, like she's eating an apple. Susan and I both turned to each other with our mouths agape. Did that just happen? We look back, and the old woman is chewing with slow, exaggerated chomps. I look at Susan, and we both say "That is AWESOME". And so it was.

The woman then starts poking through the soaps, and given her somewhat liberal view of personal property I stepped up and helpfully let her know these were all handmade soaps, etc. She inquired how much, I told her, and she said okay and walked to the next booth. Still clutching my fries.

It was truly the best thing I've seen in a long time.

A distant second but still fairly awesome was the guy with the "can't grow hair" genetic condition that came up to the free face painting booth, and had them paint eyebrows on him.

All in all, I had a great time at the festival. And many thanks to [livejournal.com profile] nonspecific who helped out manning the store in the morning, and Sandra and her boyfriend/hubby (?) who helped out the rest of the day. You guys are lifesavers!
misterx: (Default)
"Flintlock Glock"

Open the sails cause it's time to dip
when we shoot at you fuckers we never slip
we comin' round the block outlinin' you in chalk,
I love musket balls and my flintlock glock

the wheel lock, snap hance, they're all the same
but this flint lock glock'll set your party aflame
it's got the longest range so that I can claim
your loot, and to boot, I'll put your barrel to shame
I like to cause a fuss with my blunderbuss
if ya stare at me yer gonna get the 3rd degree
I don't fear that rusty rifle that yer pointin at me
my condition comes from the lack of vitamin c
cause I be the motherfuckin' captain d
I'm doin all the deeds causin' ships to flee
I got the illest behaviour, I got the sickest flavor
this jolly roger sailin' means that I ain't no saviour
got a hook for a hand, then you can understand
we were playin' the game before the game was planned
if yer from the land or under my command,
fear me or be buried under the sand


Sea Dawg:
In marksmanship I'm number one
all the people on the coast fear my flintlock gun
my musket balls sit, wait, desire release
so I shoot 'em out the barrel of my gold studded piece
leaving lines of deceased
my profits increased
it's a weapon feared in the north south west and east
it'll send ya to the crypt bones and body stripped
if I run out of ammo you'll be pistol whipped
my aim is always dead on straight
if I feel like it I can decapitate
violate assassinate or detonate
you will not live if I demonstrate
if ya see this piece
ya better run
it ranks with the greatest killers under the sun
the big 3 in case ye fergot
are the plague, scurvy, and my flintlock glock


MC treasure:
My enemies they become shark bait
take their freight, all their pieces of eight
if you see me its already checkmate
no one compares to the chaos I create
be it galleon or be it frigate
I cruise the sea sail the strait
I'm irate with a style you cant duplicate
a top pirate candidate not afraid to amputate
great raids I orchestrate
until I saturate my treasure chest
you know that I'm the best
got gold? that peaks my interest
from Portugal to the key west
my presence is the source of much unrest
and I'm on a quest to invest my musket ball
directly into yo chest.


You need to check this out. :)
misterx: (Default)
You are in a mall when the zombies attack. You have:
one weapon.
one song basting on the speakers.
one famous person to fight alongside you.

Weapon can be real or fictional, you may assume endless ammo if applicable. Person can be real or fictional.

I'll start.

One DREAD weapons system, mounted on a small jeep. (http://www.defensereview.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=526)
KC & The Sunshine Band - I'm Your Boogie Man
Milla Jojovich as Alice in Resident Evil extinction, for her proven zombie fighting abilities and general yum factor.
misterx: (Default)
Seriously, I figured after the ridiculing I gave them last time, they would have been so ashamed they'd quit. Guess not. They are still sending them, and the subject lines are stupid, as usual.

Grow your monster now

Just add water? Is this the new Chia Monster™ I've heard about?

Bigger is almost always better

Especially when it comes to eyebrows. I just love a gal with a healthy pelt above her peepers.

Only Wanna Be With You
What is this, "Make up a Bryan Adam's Song Title" day?

Your fantastic device makes her shake
It's called a blender, and it also makes smoothies and margaritas. It's not rocket science. Glad you like it though.

Make her notice your manliness

Burp in her face?  Leave the seat up?

Your gf is lonely! Y w8?
Idk, my bff Jill?

Your are strong

Your are english badly

very CheapPrice Bacheelor, MasteerMBA, and Doctoraate dip1omas

And quality ones too, I see.

DISCOUNT-PRICE Pharmacy offers FREE SHIPPING to all countries qmucug ryasly p1kmvx2v0g

"qmucug ryasly p1kmvx2v0g"? is that the sound of a spammer's computer short circuiting? I hope so.

re: jobs in Tennessee

hahahahahahaha!!!! bwaaahahahaha!! oh! ow! the laughing, it hurts. hahaha! ho.... whew. *sniff*

What IS OEM Software And Why DO You Care?

I'm sorry, I don't. You have me confused with someone else.

Huge tool to please your lassie


Leave no weak spots in your life

For only the strong spots survive. (Darwin's survival of the fittest spot theory)

think about your cucumber size

Just think about it. Shouldn't you be cutting back?

You must be The Real Man with huge dignity

Is that your dignity in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Make a giant out of your dwarv!

In Russia, you no make giant out of dwarv. Dwarv make giant out of you. Meet Vlad, my dwarv. He'll be your trainer today.

Love tools deserving of a titan!

"Tools?" Uh, just how many are you proposing here? Let's not get crazy.

misterx: (Default)
Dear Editor, Please don't use the phrase "juicy backstory" in an article about a gay stripper. Thank you.

(it wasn't enough to keep him on? maybe simon doesn't swing that way)

May 2017

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