misterx: (Default)
Mila Jovovich falls through the roof of Bruce Willis' flying cab. He fights to regain control in heavy traffic, then finally screeches to a halt.

Me: "How can you 'screech' in midair?"

Storm: "Dad, it's the future."
misterx: (Default)
*ring ring ring* goes the cellphone. I answer. "Hello?"
"Hi Dad." It's Storm. She sounds bored. "I'm bored. I just wanted to call you."
"Hi Precious. What have you been doing today?"
"Nothin," ...long pause... "Is it okay if I have a live cheetah in the house?"
"As long as it doesn't pee on the carpet."
"Ok. Love you."
"Love you too."
misterx: (Default)
I found this while clearing her floor prior to vacuuming. She got a check-plus, A, and smiley face on it. I guess that's good. I'm transcribing it for your reading pleasure.

Coyote Falls
by Storm Teegarden

My Dad decided to take me, Jacob and Lorelei (Lor-Lie) to Coyote Falls. We did not see the path so we had walk through the forest. We thought it was going to be a huge waterfall. So we got going.

Just during the first mile I hit my head 8 times and got twenty scratches on me. When we were half way there we took a break. We had to drink lots of water 2/4 of it was gone when I got it. We could hear, smell, and almost see the waterfall. I looked up. All I could see were trees. So many trees.

In a minute I was off ready for more adventure. When I got to the bottom I was cramping all over my body. The waterfall was tiny. We traveled all that way to see a waterfall the size of a door! What a rip off. This sucks. All of a sudden I slipped and fell on my hip. And then my sister yelled at me! Life stinks. Then Jacob laughed at me for getting hurt.

I was so glad to get back up. It was amazing I was moving like a squirrel running away from a cat.

I meant to find the pictures to go with this, but for the life of me I can't find them on the server. Did I ever post pics from Coyote Falls?
misterx: (Default)
We were driving in the car yesterday, and Storm said something silly, and I responded with "Are you INSANE?!?" Several quick turns of phrase later found me singing "Insane in the Membrane" by Cypress Hill, while Storm countered with "Frontier Psychiatrist" by The Avalanches.

Partway through I interrupted Storm to ask if she knew what therapy was.

"Sure. That's when you are insane in the membrane, so you go to a place, and they give you a squeezy thing that squeaks*. And you squeeze it all day long so it's eyes pop out it's ears pop out until its dark outside. Then they give you a doll and you have to scream and punch it until it's head blows off. It's supposed to help calm you down."

* I think she is referring to one of those Martian squeeze toys

So there you have it.
misterx: (Default)
I came home for lunch the other day, and Storm has caught a butterfly. She has it in jar on my desk.

"Dad, I caught a butterfly!" she bounced at me.

"I see that darling. What is it's name?"


She delivers this utterly casually, as if she had named it "Flutters" or "Jane Doe".

misterx: (Default)
This past Saturday I took Storm with me to do nothing in particular. I had planned to do some vigorous hiking, but she laid a big guilt trip on me about having to go to work with Mom, so I brought her. Lacking a plan, we wandered around looking at garage sales, and made our way into historic Jonesborough, TN for some lunch. We settled on an old-timey ice cream parlor, with coin operated player piano, and a decent menu. I got a reuben, she got a tuna salad sandwich.

After running some quarters through the player piano, we were eating our sandwiches. I noticed Storm was staring out the front window.

"What are you looking at sweetie?"

"That horse and carriage," she said. There was a wedding down the street and a horse-drawn carriage was ferrying guests back and forth. "They are blind."

"The horses are blind?" I asked, figuring she saw the blinders.

"No, the drivers. They are wearing blind people glasses." I look out and sure enough the man and woman in front are wearing these big ugly oversized shades.

"If the carriage drivers are blind, how come they don't run into things? How do they know where they are going?" I asked, truly curious.

"Oh, the horses know," she said, chomping on a potato chip, "They are like seeing eye dogs except they are seeing-horses that pull the man's carriage for him."

I ponder this. "If that's true, it's possible that he doesn't even know he has passengers. They might just be jumping in whenever he stops, and he doesn't know."

"That's mean," she says, forcefully, "That's cheating."

"Do you think we should tell them they have passengers?"

She doesn't answer me. She is still looking out the window. "You are right Dad. They slowed down and stopped, and two people just jumped out, and didn't pay them." Her faces darkens and she pushes her chair out and starts walking towards the door, half a sandwich in one hand, a half-eaten dill spear in the other.

"Whoa, where you going hon?"

She stomped towards the door. "I'm going to throw a pickle at the next people who cheat the horse man."

As much as i REALLY WANTED to see her assault someone with harsh words and a pickle, I gave in and explained that the carriage man was probably not blind after all.

only eight

Jun. 1st, 2007 12:12 pm
misterx: (Default)
Almost forgot to post this. It happened a week or two ago.

Storm likes to play in the shower. She brings toys in with her. Often, they don't go back out.

I had been out mowing and came in badly needing a shower. I go into the bathroom and there is a folding fairytopia thing, dolls, you name it. My brain immediately glazed over... too much stuff. I went back into the living room and flopped into my computer chair.

"Storm, go get your dolls out of the shower."

"Dad," she says, staring zombified at the TV, "I'm watching this." It's one of the Spongebob episodes we've all seen a zillion times.

"GO. I want to take a shower and it makes my head hurt just looking in there."

She dramatically throws her quilt off, and stomps into the bathroom. Nothing happens for a bit. I can only assume she was in there thinking of a strategy. Deciding upon one, she comes out.

"Dad, there are only EIGHT Barbies in there!"

Oh, well, that's different then. Only eight.
misterx: (Default)
Last night [livejournal.com profile] shirokarasu and [livejournal.com profile] cheeze came over to make brownies, yesterday being Shiro's birthday. We opted for extreme chocolate... starting with chocolate chunk brownies, adding in a third a bag of dark chocolate chips, and substituting espresso for the water. Were they good? Hell yeah. We let Storm stay up late so she could have one when it came out of the oven. She was concerned that eating a brownie with coffee in it was a bad idea, but I assured her it would be fine.

Storm went to bed, friends departed, and I started working on [livejournal.com profile] melanie's back, as she had requested some back rubbins.

Partway through this, I hear Storm being awake. She used to have night terrors really bad (this is like sleepwalking except the person is TERRIFIED, and I mean like nothing you've ever seen before), but those have mostly calmed down and now she just does little "worried sleepwalking" things. As long as you catch them quickly and help her through them, they don't escalate.

Anyway, she is up, and is confused. She walks here and there, talking but making no sense. I eventually guide her to the bathroom, and then get her to come in our room to watch a little TV and snap her out of it. She soon announces she's ready to go back to bed, although she's not quite out of it. I take her to tuck her in.

We go by the living room, and she looks around. "Where are your friends?" she asks, "Did they get burned out on cocaine and explode?"

"Um... no... they just went home."

She lays down on her pillow, snuggling into her blankets. "They probably had to leave because they had too much cocaine."

What??? Where is this coming from? I'll admit my friends can be rather strange but I never thought to accuse them of being on coke.

"Darling, I'm pretty sure they just went home because it was close to their bed times." Then a lightbulb goes off. "Wait, do you mean caffeine?"

"Whatever," she says, and rolls over.
misterx: (Default)

It's Friday morning, and I sit down with Storm to have breakfast. The breakfast table is next to the sliding glass door that goes out to the porch, and the pergola over the back porch is still covered with a tarp from the last birthday party. It's been raining moderately, but with a flash of lightning the skies open up. The rain beating down on the tarp is nearly deafening.

"Wow," I say, "Listen to that! It's really raining."

Storm doesn't even look up from the cereal box she's reading. "That's not rain. They're applauding me."


Storm is sitting on the couch, with a look of concentration on her face. Mel asks her what is up. "If you take the 'com' out of 'compromise' you're left with 'promise'," says Storm.


... i can't remember. I know there is one. it will come to me.
misterx: (family shadow)
We're driving over to my parents house for Easter, and we come around the bend to see a small dog eating some roadkill on the double yellow. "Yuck," I say, "That puppy is eating that dead whatever. I'm glad I'm not a dog."
"Dad, don't talk about eating, I'm *starving*," says Storm, with great drama.
"Since we were talking about eating roadkill," I say in my defense, "I figured it didn't count."
"Dad," she says somberly, "I'm really hungry."

Later on, we all take a walk across the field to see if the chickens laid any eggs. As we're walking, Lorelei asks "Mom, do chickens self-pollinate?" Mel gives her this wide-eyed "do you have the brain-worms?" look. "No," I say, "Bees have to fly from chicken to chicken, building up chicken pollen on their legs, before the chickens can make eggs." Mel turns to me with a combination of wonder and fear, a look of "Oh crap, it's contagious" on her face, and starts putting some physical distance between herself and the rest of us.
misterx: (Default)
=== Episode one - from an old video we watched today ===

I come upon Lorelei sitting on the floor. She's threeish. She's putting on a large sock of mine.
me: What are you doing?
Lorelei: *giggles*
me: Hmm? What are you doing??
Lorelei: [singsong voice] I'm not going to tell yooouuuu.
me: What? Why? Why not?
Lorelei: I'm not going to tell you because I'm preg-a-net with my babies.
me: [long pause... remember, I'm not used to this yet] Oh... really...
Lorelei: Yes, because you don't want me to have babies.
me: I think you might be a little bit young.
Lorelei: [no response]
me: How did you get pregnant? (he asked, cringing)
Lorelei: [correcting me] Preg-a-net...
me: How'd you get pregnant?
Lorelei: Preg-a-net...
me: [a tad more firmly] Pregnant.
Lorelei: [long pause... looks at me. then quietly...] preg-a-net.
me: Ok. How'd that happen?
Lorelei: Um, I just took off and found some babies at the baby store and... and I said "May I please have some of your babies?" and the lady... and she said "Of course."
me: And she put some babies in your tummy for you?
Lorelei: [thinks about this] Sure... they just opened up my tummy and they saw as many beds in there. And she said "I'm to put all my babies in there"...
me: Really?
Lorelei: ... and she put all my babies in there and I have all ninety-nine in my tummy. [she pulls up her sweatshirt and looks at her tummy. she starts wriggling around] Feel my tummy and you'll feel them getting out of their beds and playing with their toys.
me: Oh ho! How about that!
Lorelei: Yeah. [wriggles around some more]
me: You have to go potty, don't ya?
Lorelei: Of course I do.
me: Of course you do. Why don't you hurry and go potty?
Lorelei: Ok.
me: Ok.

=== Episode Two - Current day ===
We're driving in the car, and somehow the word "pregnant" comes up.

Lorelei: "Preg-a-net"
Storm: It's "pregnant".
Lorelei: [being cute like on the video] Preg-a-net.
Storm: [louder] Pregnant.
Lorelei: Preg-a-net
Storm: Pregnant!!
Lorelei: [laughing] Preg-a-net!
Storm: [matter-of-factly]  Penis.
me: Ok, that's it, discussion over.
misterx: (Default)
Storm and I are driving to get Lorelei from swim, and we pass PetSmart, reminding me the dog needs a new dog bed.

"You know Storm, I'm thinking that I'm going to get Mr. Thompkins a new dog bed for Christmas."
"That's a good idea Dad," she agrees, "his old bed was really cute."
"The one that looked like a little couch?"
"It's in his doghouse now, it got all beat up."
"He doesn't look comfortable in the bed he has now. He kind of lays his head on the side and it looks like it's too small."

We drive a bit. Storm has a eureka moment.
"Dad! You should pray to Santa for him to bring Thompkins a new bed, so he'll bring it on Christmas."
I pause to think about this... yeah, just plain weird. I better say something. I better say it... slowly...
"Storm... I think... that normally you pray to God... not Santa. I think you just ask Santa."
"Pray, ask, it's the same thing," she informs me. "You just say what you want into the air, or you just think it, and the thoughts go into Santa's head, and he knows what you want. Then he brings it for you on Christmas."
"Oh, well... ok. I guess that makes sense."
"Yep," she says, because of course, it does.
"Yep," I agree.
"Mind control." she says.
I start to say something, then realize I have no idea what I planned to say. I instead look at her in the rear view mirror. She grins at me.
misterx: (nyyaaah!)
So this morning I've got my bowl of cereal and I'm sitting at my desk reading Fark. Storm goes by, with a book.

"Dad, I'm going to make my lunch. This book has the food pyramid in it, and I'm going to make a healthy lunch with the stuff in the food pyramid in it."

"Ok hon, good idea," I say, and continue reading.

There is bumping around in the kitchen. "Dad... do we have a cow? The food pyramid shows a cow."

"Noooo, I'm pretty sure we don't. You don't have to eat everything on the pyramid in one meal though. As long as you eat a cow later today it will still count."

"Mmm, ok," she says. There is a pause. "You probably want to come in the kitchen so you can see how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich the old fashioned way. And you can help by getting the peanut butter."

I smile, and carry my cereal into the kitchen. I get her the peanut butter from the top shelf and sit down at the table.

"Ok," she says in her 'I'm teaching you something' voice, "First you need two pieces of bread." She reaches into the bag and fishes out two pieces. "Dad, there are only two pieces of bread left."

"How many pieces do you need?"

"I only need two. I mean there are only two left in the bag."

"That's better than only one piece. At least you can make a sandwich with two pieces."

"Yeah. Ok, first you spread your bread out like this..." She places the two slices on the table, aligning them carefully. I unfold a napkin and offer it, she lifts the pieces and puts them on the napkin. "Then, you get some peanut butter." She opens the jar and starts spreading peanut butter on one side. "It's okay if it's crunchy."

"Which is better, crunchy or smooth?" I ask, wanting to make sure I make authentic old fashioned pbj's in the future.

"It depends on your personality, if you have a crunchy or smooth personality."

"What kind of personality do you have?"

She ponders a bit. "Crunchy. What kind do you have?"

"Definitely crunchy."

She seems pleased by this. "Good," she says, "now here is how you make it old fashioned." She gets a jar of salted peanuts from the shelf, and takes out a handful. "You stick them onto where you put the peanut butter," she says, making a small grunting sound as she mashes them into the bread. One of my eyebrows might have tried to Spock, but I think I suppressed it. "Would you open the jelly?"

I open it and hand it back. "So it's the peanuts that make it old-fashioned?"

"You have to mash them in. They used to mash them in because they didn't have sandwich bags." Makes. Perfect. Sense. She takes the jellied side and puts it over the peanutty side, and beams. "I call it a sandwich!"

"Cool. Nice job."

"Do you know where sandwiches come from? There was a book and there was this tiny witch and she lived in a hole in the sand, and she asked 'Who wants a sandwich?', and a pig said 'Me first!', and she tried to get him and she punched him because he tried to run away."

Blink blink. She starts wrapping the sandwich up in the napkin. "We have sandwich bags now hon."

"I know, I'm just wrapping it up first. Keeps it warm." Ok. Mel hands her a sandwich bag and helps put the sandwich in.

Storm puts the sandwich in the softside lunchbag and then puts in the blueberry applesauce. "Where are the spoons?" she grumbles, rummaging around on the shelf. "Aha!" She marches by holding a spoon out in her clenched fist, arm extended, and puts it in the bag. She puts in a napkin, then thinks about it and puts in another napkin.

"Backup napkin," she explains, "A backup napkin is when you have another napkin in case you spill and you need a napkin. I say napkin a lot, you know, Napkin?" She apparently thinks she's pretty funny because she cracks up at this.

She goes and looks in the freezer, and comes out with this HUGE freezer pack, the kind you'd use to keep a cooler chilled.

"I don't know if you need one that big hon."

"I want to keep my sandwich cold." I thought she wanted to keep it warm. Oh well.

"It will crush your sandwich." She thinks about this.

"Ok, I'll put it on the bottom and put my food on top." She rearranges the lunchbag, and zips it up. "TaDAAAAA!!!!!" she declares, and holds it up. "I packed my lunch!"

"You sure did. Good job. I love you."

She runs out of the room. "Love you too!!"

Or else

Oct. 8th, 2005 09:38 pm
misterx: (spike the bunny)
Today's plan was to drive up to Bristol and meet my friend Megan, whom I haven't seen in about three years. She was bringing her little girl, 1 year old, whom I've never met.

I was going stir crazy in the house waiting for it to be time though, so I got Storm dressed and headed out early, figuring we could take a walk until it was time to meet. Sugar Hollow park is near there, and they have some nice trails, so I figured we'd try that. Near the road, it's all ballfields and a playground, but further back there is the campground and the natural park where the trails are. Well, I enter the park, head up the road, pass by the playground (much to Storm's dismay), and climb the hill that leads to the trails. When I round the bend, however, an unwelcome sight awaits... a gate declaring the back portion closed. Dang it. So I turn the car around, and started working on plan B. That didn't get far though.

"Where are we going?" Storm asks with urgency, "Are we going to the playground?"

Oh man... I really want to go for a walk, not hang around on mulch and push her on the swing. I mean, I do that all the time, but today I want to walk. So I try to avoid the issue. "We're going this way."

"Are we going to the playground?"

"We're going *this* way," I repeat, with a grand, sweeping gesture.

"Dad, WHERE are we going?"

"This way."

I hear a small grrr sound from the back seat. Then, in a voice that sends a chill down my spine, Storm says "If you don't take me to the playground, you're going to wish you had rabid weasels in your head instead of having a kid."

Rabid weasels. In my... head? Whoa.

I stop the car and turn around to look at her. I just... looked. I don't know what I was expecting, I just wanted to check... for fangs, or... leathern wings or something.

She just smiles and giggles and dimples as sweet as I've ever seen. "Daddy, would you take me to the pwaygwound, pweeeeze??"

Yes, we went to the playground. But eight hours later, my brain still goes bzzt! when I try to make the two mesh. I type to you between sips of rum and coke. This was NOT covered in Parenting 101.
misterx: (Default)
At the mall with Storm... she wore me down after an hour of pestering. We're between candy stores when I pause to look at something.

Storm: Dad!! You're looking at girl stuff!
Me: I was looking for a present for Mommy.
Storm: Why?
Me: Our anniversary is coming.
Storm: Well quit, you're freaking me out.

We resume walking.

Me: Do you know what an anniversary is?
Storm: (thinks for a moment) Yeah, that's when grownups go somewhere together and smooch each other and get all kissy and (shrivels face into a yuck face, makes claw hands, and shudders).
Me: Not exactly. That's when we celebrate the day we got married on.
Storm: I know.
Me: Then we smooch and get all kissy...
Storm: Agh! Aaagh! Yuck! Yuck! (covers ears and assumes "duck and cover" pose)
misterx: (Default)
Dinner table...

Storm: Guess what.
Mel: What?
Storm: Chicken butt! Guess why.
Mel: Why?
Storm: Chicken thigh! Guess when.
Mel: When?
Storm: Chicken pen! Guess where.
Mel: Where?
Storm: Chicken hair!

Lorelei: Chickens are birds, they don't have hair.

Storm: Yes, they do. On their little, round, fuzzy chicken butts! (jumps out of chair and waves her butt at Lorelei)

Lorelei: I'm not hungry anymore.
misterx: (Default)
Storm's eyes lit up... "Dad, I'm going to dress up special, and make you a SPECIAL dinner!"

Melanie is going away to a soap show and taking Lorelei with her. Storm just realized she has me to herself.

"I'm going to own a restaurant, and you're going to be my server and help me, and I'm going to make you a most delicious dinner!" 'Delicious' is accompanied by throwing of hands in the air.

"I think it's called a servant," I correct.

"'Servant' is so seventies, back when people caught people and made them slaves. *I* say server, it's cooler."

"Ok sweetie."

"I'm going to go get dressed *right away*!!" And off she runs.

A half hour later she's back. Wearing swimsuit bottoms. "Hon, I think you forgot a top."

"Dad, this is a *special* restaurant. It's very fancy. You don't wear a top in a fancy restaurant."

more )

Bus pass

Jun. 16th, 2005 09:32 am
misterx: (family shadow)
Storm lost her city tranist bus pass the first day she got it. It
hasn't been an issue yet, because they've been punching her sister's
ticket for the both of them, but as of this morning that pass has only
two punches left. We were not enjoying the prospect of sixty bucks
worth of bus pass having vanished.

So I'm walking Storm into camp this morning, and I ask her if
she remembered having a bus pass.

"Yeah, but I lost it, and it's gone," she said with twinge of sadness.

"Do you think you lost it here at camp?" I asked, figuring I would
query the staff to see if they had found one.

"No, I put it in the pocket of my backpack, and now it's gone."

I'm carrying the backpack so without even looking I slide my hand into
the mesh side pocket and grab the first crumpled piece of paper I
find. I bring it up to look at it.

It's the bus pass.

"Storm, the bus pass has been right here in your backpack the whole
time, just where you left it."

"Yeah," she says, squishing up her face in disgust, "But it's wrinkled."
misterx: (family shadow)
Yesterday I took Storm to Bays Mountain Park in Kingsport, TN. They have live animals, including wolves and an aviary, as well as a nature center. We had a good time just walking around, occasionally running around, looking at the animals and pretending this and that. I had a little extra money this weekend, thank you ex-mortgage company, so I said yes to the gift shop. Storm returned home with two stuffed fawn plushies, one for her and one for her sister. This is all mostly incidental to the story, except to establish that it had been a pretty good day thus far.

It was as we entered our neighborhood that Storm noticed Tori, the girl down the street, sitting on her front steps. She immediately starts asking if she can go play with Tori, I miss Tori, can Tori come over... you get the idea. We get home, and we can't find their number, so Melanie drives Storm down there to ask. It's not two minutes later that they come back in the door, with Storm wearing a noticeable frown.

"What's the matter sweetie, couldn't Tori play?"

"They *GOING* somewhere. But I don't see them going anywhere. They're just sitting there."

"Hon, they probably meant that they're going soon."

"I'll never get to see her!" she lamented, "I haven't seen her in a hundred years since last summer, and now I won't see her again for a million years!" She is almost in tears now.

"Come here sweetie," I say, trying to give her a hug, but she pushes me away. No cheering the child allowed. "Hon, you'll see her again, I promise. We'll remember to ask if she can play after school."

No response. She is sitting frowning at Spongebob Squarepants on TV.

"Would you like a fudgesicle?" I offer, hoping to distract her.

"More like a miserysicle..." she grumbles, burying her face in the pillow.

Addendum Number One: Immediately following this exchange, I headed for the front door. I intended to relate this to Melanie while it was fresh in my mind, and also wanted to escape before I lost control of my laughter. As the screen door swung shut, Storm shouted "WHERE'S MY MISERYSICLE!?!"

Addendum Number Two: This morning, she came in to the bathroom to show me her outfit. She looked quite fashionable to tell the truth. I complimented her… "That red top looks great with that beige skirt." She giggled. "What's funny?" I asked. "My skirt is like a mountain," she said, giggling harder. "What?" I said, not getting it. "Beige Mountain," she said, and broke into full out laughter. She was quite pleased with herself.

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