The difference

[misterx]

So I was pausing for a moment this morning at my desk, and thinking about "life, the universe and everything". You know, watching my mind toss all it's various thoughts around, like watching your clothes tumble in the drier at the laundromat. Things would float by and I would note my reactions to them.

I thought about Melanie, and smiled at how great being in love feels, and how subtle it's treasures are.
I thought about hugging Lorelei goodbye at school this morning, and Storm's wide eyes as she walked into the cafeteria for the first time today, and smiled at how deep and endless my love for my kids is, and how wonderful that is.
I thought about friends lost, and felt sadness.
I thought about relationships in general, and felt a strange mix of hope and melancholy.
I thought about money and worried.
I thought about the mountains, and the woods, and felt very lucky.
I thought about the wind, and I swear I felt it on my face. It smelled like rain.
I thought about the smell of the ocean, and the sound of waves on my kayak, and felt a longing.
I thought about growing old, and felt calm.
I thought about living, and felt I belonged here, as flawed as I am.

I realized I had all these feelings at once. I closed my eyes for a moment... I could pick out feelings and listen to them individually, like notes in a symphony. I asked myself, what notes should I remove? Where should I make gaps in the music? Where should I leave holes in the melody, because I want to cut out the darker parts? I decided I liked the symphony like it was. These moments, they are all mine, and I want to experience them all. What a wonderful life this is.

Comments

[busychild424.livejournal.com]

"I thought about money and worried."

I think it's significant that money is the only thought that elicited a negative emotional response. I think that speaks to maybe how we as people should prioritize what makes us happy. Putting money too high makes worry too big a part of our lives.

[misterx.livejournal.com]

Perhaps it also significant that the only one you noticed was money, though I also mentioned sadness from lost friends. Is money weighing on you as well?

[busychild424.livejournal.com]

You have no idea. :-) Unless you read my journal, then you do. ;-)

And yeah, I missed that other one. Interesting.

[misterx.livejournal.com]

Actually I do read your journal, so I have some idea.

[busychild424.livejournal.com]

Even that big-ass long-winded novella I wrote yesterday? ;-) My girlfriend didn't even bother to do more than skim that one. hehehh.

[misterx.livejournal.com]

not everything all the time, but I try.

[busychild424.livejournal.com]

I don't blame ya.

[defiantone.livejournal.com]

Hi,
Havent written to you before now as I just came across your web page and I have to say that I really like the art you have posted. I have passed your web address on to friends of mine that are very good artist as well

[misterx.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :)

[starsail.livejournal.com]

That was quite beautiful. And I think almost everyone worries about money.

[misterx.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I'm used to being very financially stable, so I don't like my current situation.

[melanie.livejournal.com]

it was really, really good to hear this from you. both because it's always nice to know what's going on "in there" and because this is the most positive those thoughts have sounded yet.

love you, honey. i'm glad you got your life back.

[misterx.livejournal.com]

love you too.

[dampscribbler.livejournal.com]

Really beautiful. Moments like these in life seem too few. How wonderful to actually share one with others when it comes along! Now I've benefitted, too, and I swear I smelt that rain, as well.

I'm delighted!

[misterx.livejournal.com]

(me too)

[cuntishness.livejournal.com]

i'm posting part of this in my journal.

[misterx.livejournal.com]

there goes your popularity. but if you want to, I won't stand in your way.

[cuntishness.livejournal.com]

psssh.
it'll increase my street cred and everyone will know me for the hardcore pimp that i am.

see, i'm putting you out on my street corner.

[misterx.livejournal.com]

can I wear my purple suit? my zebra skin hat?

[cuntishness.livejournal.com]

no no. i'm the pimp. you're the hooker.

so, i'm thinking thigh high boots, ones that need a sharpie touch up like in pretty woman.
a miniskirt, complete with balls hanging out of and one of those stupidly ugly hankercheif tops that ties in the back.

and don't shave.

[misterx.livejournal.com]

and you make money like this?

[cuntishness.livejournal.com]

hell no, i'm so poor it's unreal. but i'm entertained.........

[melanie.livejournal.com]

hmmm. i'm all for it. :)

[cuntishness.livejournal.com]

YaY