MisterX

*ring ring ring* goes the cellphone. I answer. "Hello?"
"Hi Dad." It's Storm. She sounds bored. "I'm bored. I just wanted to call you."
"Hi Precious. What have you been doing today?"
"Nothin," ...long pause... "Is it okay if I have a live cheetah in the house?"
"As long as it doesn't pee on the carpet."
"Ok. Love you."
"Love you too."
*click*

We were driving in the car yesterday, and Storm said something silly, and I responded with "Are you INSANE?!?" Several quick turns of phrase later found me singing "Insane in the Membrane" by Cypress Hill, while Storm countered with "Frontier Psychiatrist" by The Avalanches.

Partway through I interrupted Storm to ask if she knew what therapy was.

"Sure. That's when you are insane in the membrane, so you go to a place, and they give you a squeezy thing that squeaks*. And you squeeze it all day long so it's eyes pop out it's ears pop out until its dark outside. Then they give you a doll and you have to scream and punch it until it's head blows off. It's supposed to help calm you down."

* I think she is referring to one of those Martian squeeze toys
http://therestlessmouse.com/ProdGal/CT6601_200.jpg

So there you have it.

This past Saturday I took Storm with me to do nothing in particular. I had planned to do some vigorous hiking, but she laid a big guilt trip on me about having to go to work with Mom, so I brought her. Lacking a plan, we wandered around looking at garage sales, and made our way into historic Jonesborough, TN for some lunch. We settled on an old-timey ice cream parlor, with coin operated player piano, and a decent menu. I got a reuben, she got a tuna salad sandwich.

After running some quarters through the player piano, we were eating our sandwiches. I noticed Storm was staring out the front window.

"What are you looking at sweetie?"

"That horse and carriage," she said. There was a wedding down the street and a horse-drawn carriage was ferrying guests back and forth. "They are blind."

"The horses are blind?" I asked, figuring she saw the blinders.

"No, the drivers. They are wearing blind people glasses." I look out and sure enough the man and woman in front are wearing these big ugly oversized shades.

"If the carriage drivers are blind, how come they don't run into things? How do they know where they are going?" I asked, truly curious.

"Oh, the horses know," she said, chomping on a potato chip, "They are like seeing eye dogs except they are seeing-horses that pull the man's carriage for him."

I ponder this. "If that's true, it's possible that he doesn't even know he has passengers. They might just be jumping in whenever he stops, and he doesn't know."

"That's mean," she says, forcefully, "That's cheating."

"Do you think we should tell them they have passengers?"

She doesn't answer me. She is still looking out the window. "You are right Dad. They slowed down and stopped, and two people just jumped out, and didn't pay them." Her faces darkens and she pushes her chair out and starts walking towards the door, half a sandwich in one hand, a half-eaten dill spear in the other.

"Whoa, where you going hon?"

She stomped towards the door. "I'm going to throw a pickle at the next people who cheat the horse man."


As much as i REALLY WANTED to see her assault someone with harsh words and a pickle, I gave in and explained that the carriage man was probably not blind after all.

Last night shirokarasu and cheeze came over to make brownies, yesterday being Shiro's birthday. We opted for extreme chocolate... starting with chocolate chunk brownies, adding in a third a bag of dark chocolate chips, and substituting espresso for the water. Were they good? Hell yeah. We let Storm stay up late so she could have one when it came out of the oven. She was concerned that eating a brownie with coffee in it was a bad idea, but I assured her it would be fine.

Storm went to bed, friends departed, and I started working on melanie's back, as she had requested some back rubbins.

Partway through this, I hear Storm being awake. She used to have night terrors really bad (this is like sleepwalking except the person is TERRIFIED, and I mean like nothing you've ever seen before), but those have mostly calmed down and now she just does little "worried sleepwalking" things. As long as you catch them quickly and help her through them, they don't escalate.

Anyway, she is up, and is confused. She walks here and there, talking but making no sense. I eventually guide her to the bathroom, and then get her to come in our room to watch a little TV and snap her out of it. She soon announces she's ready to go back to bed, although she's not quite out of it. I take her to tuck her in.

We go by the living room, and she looks around. "Where are your friends?" she asks, "Did they get burned out on cocaine and explode?"

"Um... no... they just went home."

She lays down on her pillow, snuggling into her blankets. "They probably had to leave because they had too much cocaine."

What??? Where is this coming from? I'll admit my friends can be rather strange but I never thought to accuse them of being on coke.

"Darling, I'm pretty sure they just went home because it was close to their bed times." Then a lightbulb goes off. "Wait, do you mean caffeine?"

"Whatever," she says, and rolls over.

We're driving over to my parents house for Easter, and we come around the bend to see a small dog eating some roadkill on the double yellow. "Yuck," I say, "That puppy is eating that dead whatever. I'm glad I'm not a dog."
"Dad, don't talk about eating, I'm *starving*," says Storm, with great drama.
"Since we were talking about eating roadkill," I say in my defense, "I figured it didn't count."
"Dad," she says somberly, "I'm really hungry."

---

Later on, we all take a walk across the field to see if the chickens laid any eggs. As we're walking, Lorelei asks "Mom, do chickens self-pollinate?" Mel gives her this wide-eyed "do you have the brain-worms?" look. "No," I say, "Bees have to fly from chicken to chicken, building up chicken pollen on their legs, before the chickens can make eggs." Mel turns to me with a combination of wonder and fear, a look of "Oh crap, it's contagious" on her face, and starts putting some physical distance between herself and the rest of us.

=== Episode one - from an old video we watched today ===

I come upon Lorelei sitting on the floor. She's threeish. She's putting on a large sock of mine.
me: What are you doing?
Lorelei: *giggles*
me: Hmm? What are you doing??
Lorelei: [singsong voice] I'm not going to tell yooouuuu.
me: What? Why? Why not?
Lorelei: I'm not going to tell you because I'm preg-a-net with my babies.
me: [long pause... remember, I'm not used to this yet] Oh... really...
Lorelei: Yes, because you don't want me to have babies.
me: I think you might be a little bit young.
Lorelei: [no response]
me: How did you get pregnant? (he asked, cringing)
Lorelei: [correcting me] Preg-a-net...
me: How'd you get pregnant?
Lorelei: Preg-a-net...
me: [a tad more firmly] Pregnant.
Lorelei: [long pause... looks at me. then quietly...] preg-a-net.
me: Ok. How'd that happen?
Lorelei: Um, I just took off and found some babies at the baby store and... and I said "May I please have some of your babies?" and the lady... and she said "Of course."
me: And she put some babies in your tummy for you?
Lorelei: [thinks about this] Sure... they just opened up my tummy and they saw as many beds in there. And she said "I'm to put all my babies in there"...
me: Really?
Lorelei: ... and she put all my babies in there and I have all ninety-nine in my tummy. [she pulls up her sweatshirt and looks at her tummy. she starts wriggling around] Feel my tummy and you'll feel them getting out of their beds and playing with their toys.
me: Oh ho! How about that!
Lorelei: Yeah. [wriggles around some more]
me: You have to go potty, don't ya?
Lorelei: Of course I do.
me: Of course you do. Why don't you hurry and go potty?
Lorelei: Ok.
me: Ok.

=== Episode Two - Current day ===
We're driving in the car, and somehow the word "pregnant" comes up.

Lorelei: "Preg-a-net"
Storm: It's "pregnant".
Lorelei: [being cute like on the video] Preg-a-net.
Storm: [louder] Pregnant.
Lorelei: Preg-a-net
Storm: Pregnant!!
Lorelei: [laughing] Preg-a-net!
Storm: [matter-of-factly]  Penis.
me: Ok, that's it, discussion over.

So this morning I've got my bowl of cereal and I'm sitting at my desk reading Fark. Storm goes by, with a book.

"Dad, I'm going to make my lunch. This book has the food pyramid in it, and I'm going to make a healthy lunch with the stuff in the food pyramid in it."

"Ok hon, good idea," I say, and continue reading.

There is bumping around in the kitchen. "Dad... do we have a cow? The food pyramid shows a cow."

"Noooo, I'm pretty sure we don't. You don't have to eat everything on the pyramid in one meal though. As long as you eat a cow later today it will still count."

"Mmm, ok," she says. There is a pause. "You probably want to come in the kitchen so you can see how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich the old fashioned way. And you can help by getting the peanut butter."

I smile, and carry my cereal into the kitchen. I get her the peanut butter from the top shelf and sit down at the table.

"Ok," she says in her 'I'm teaching you something' voice, "First you need two pieces of bread." She reaches into the bag and fishes out two pieces. "Dad, there are only two pieces of bread left."

"How many pieces do you need?"

"I only need two. I mean there are only two left in the bag."

"That's better than only one piece. At least you can make a sandwich with two pieces."

"Yeah. Ok, first you spread your bread out like this..." She places the two slices on the table, aligning them carefully. I unfold a napkin and offer it, she lifts the pieces and puts them on the napkin. "Then, you get some peanut butter." She opens the jar and starts spreading peanut butter on one side. "It's okay if it's crunchy."

"Which is better, crunchy or smooth?" I ask, wanting to make sure I make authentic old fashioned pbj's in the future.

"It depends on your personality, if you have a crunchy or smooth personality."

"What kind of personality do you have?"

She ponders a bit. "Crunchy. What kind do you have?"

"Definitely crunchy."

She seems pleased by this. "Good," she says, "now here is how you make it old fashioned." She gets a jar of salted peanuts from the shelf, and takes out a handful. "You stick them onto where you put the peanut butter," she says, making a small grunting sound as she mashes them into the bread. One of my eyebrows might have tried to Spock, but I think I suppressed it. "Would you open the jelly?"

I open it and hand it back. "So it's the peanuts that make it old-fashioned?"

"You have to mash them in. They used to mash them in because they didn't have sandwich bags." Makes. Perfect. Sense. She takes the jellied side and puts it over the peanutty side, and beams. "I call it a sandwich!"

"Cool. Nice job."

"Do you know where sandwiches come from? There was a book and there was this tiny witch and she lived in a hole in the sand, and she asked 'Who wants a sandwich?', and a pig said 'Me first!', and she tried to get him and she punched him because he tried to run away."

Blink blink. She starts wrapping the sandwich up in the napkin. "We have sandwich bags now hon."

"I know, I'm just wrapping it up first. Keeps it warm." Ok. Mel hands her a sandwich bag and helps put the sandwich in.

Storm puts the sandwich in the softside lunchbag and then puts in the blueberry applesauce. "Where are the spoons?" she grumbles, rummaging around on the shelf. "Aha!" She marches by holding a spoon out in her clenched fist, arm extended, and puts it in the bag. She puts in a napkin, then thinks about it and puts in another napkin.

"Backup napkin," she explains, "A backup napkin is when you have another napkin in case you spill and you need a napkin. I say napkin a lot, you know, Napkin?" She apparently thinks she's pretty funny because she cracks up at this.

She goes and looks in the freezer, and comes out with this HUGE freezer pack, the kind you'd use to keep a cooler chilled.

"I don't know if you need one that big hon."

"I want to keep my sandwich cold." I thought she wanted to keep it warm. Oh well.

"It will crush your sandwich." She thinks about this.

"Ok, I'll put it on the bottom and put my food on top." She rearranges the lunchbag, and zips it up. "TaDAAAAA!!!!!" she declares, and holds it up. "I packed my lunch!"

"You sure did. Good job. I love you."

She runs out of the room. "Love you too!!"

At the mall with Storm... she wore me down after an hour of pestering. We're between candy stores when I pause to look at something.

Storm: Dad!! You're looking at girl stuff!
Me: I was looking for a present for Mommy.
Storm: Why?
Me: Our anniversary is coming.
Storm: Well quit, you're freaking me out.

We resume walking.

Me: Do you know what an anniversary is?
Storm: (thinks for a moment) Yeah, that's when grownups go somewhere together and smooch each other and get all kissy and (shrivels face into a yuck face, makes claw hands, and shudders).
Me: Not exactly. That's when we celebrate the day we got married on.
Storm: I know.
Me: Then we smooch and get all kissy...
Storm: Agh! Aaagh! Yuck! Yuck! (covers ears and assumes "duck and cover" pose)

Storm's eyes lit up... "Dad, I'm going to dress up special, and make you a SPECIAL dinner!"

Melanie is going away to a soap show and taking Lorelei with her. Storm just realized she has me to herself.

"I'm going to own a restaurant, and you're going to be my server and help me, and I'm going to make you a most delicious dinner!" 'Delicious' is accompanied by throwing of hands in the air.

"I think it's called a servant," I correct.

"'Servant' is so seventies, back when people caught people and made them slaves. *I* say server, it's cooler."

"Ok sweetie."

"I'm going to go get dressed *right away*!!" And off she runs.

A half hour later she's back. Wearing swimsuit bottoms. "Hon, I think you forgot a top."

"Dad, this is a *special* restaurant. It's very fancy. You don't wear a top in a fancy restaurant."

( more )

Yesterday I took Storm to Bays Mountain Park in Kingsport, TN. They have live animals, including wolves and an aviary, as well as a nature center. We had a good time just walking around, occasionally running around, looking at the animals and pretending this and that. I had a little extra money this weekend, thank you ex-mortgage company, so I said yes to the gift shop. Storm returned home with two stuffed fawn plushies, one for her and one for her sister. This is all mostly incidental to the story, except to establish that it had been a pretty good day thus far.

It was as we entered our neighborhood that Storm noticed Tori, the girl down the street, sitting on her front steps. She immediately starts asking if she can go play with Tori, I miss Tori, can Tori come over... you get the idea. We get home, and we can't find their number, so Melanie drives Storm down there to ask. It's not two minutes later that they come back in the door, with Storm wearing a noticeable frown.

"What's the matter sweetie, couldn't Tori play?"

"They *GOING* somewhere. But I don't see them going anywhere. They're just sitting there."

"Hon, they probably meant that they're going soon."

"I'll never get to see her!" she lamented, "I haven't seen her in a hundred years since last summer, and now I won't see her again for a million years!" She is almost in tears now.

"Come here sweetie," I say, trying to give her a hug, but she pushes me away. No cheering the child allowed. "Hon, you'll see her again, I promise. We'll remember to ask if she can play after school."

No response. She is sitting frowning at Spongebob Squarepants on TV.

"Would you like a fudgesicle?" I offer, hoping to distract her.

"More like a miserysicle..." she grumbles, burying her face in the pillow.


Addendum Number One: Immediately following this exchange, I headed for the front door. I intended to relate this to Melanie while it was fresh in my mind, and also wanted to escape before I lost control of my laughter. As the screen door swung shut, Storm shouted "WHERE'S MY MISERYSICLE!?!"

Addendum Number Two: This morning, she came in to the bathroom to show me her outfit. She looked quite fashionable to tell the truth. I complimented her… "That red top looks great with that beige skirt." She giggled. "What's funny?" I asked. "My skirt is like a mountain," she said, giggling harder. "What?" I said, not getting it. "Beige Mountain," she said, and broke into full out laughter. She was quite pleased with herself.