Lab rat strapped to the table, ready to go

[misterx]

I've avoided this as long as possible, but today I'm sitting at the docs office waiting to discuss my depression meds. They just aren't doing the job anymore. Its been going on for a while... at first it was minor enough to overlook, then it was an annoyance but I could work around it. Lately its been giving me genuine difficulties, putting roadblocks everywhere, and its getting old.

As you may or may not know, I HATE having to change these meds. I don't like playing guinea pig with my brain. If there are disagreeable side effects they can take weeks to manifest, and even longer to realize you're having them. I mean, if your hands just turned green, it would be obvious, but the nature of the beast is that it changes your brain processes... the same brain you are experiencing the world with. From the inside, it can be hard to tell that, say, you are becoming withdrawn, or whatever.

Ugh. I do dislike this.

People don't usually understand. If I say I'm feeling depressed they usually say "you need to change your meds". The thing is, even when you are on meds, you can still get depressed, sad, etc. It doesn't stop emotions, it just keeps them within normal bounds. A bad day at work shouldn't RUIN my week for instance, but without antidepressants, that can happen. With them, I still have the bad day, may feel crappy for a while, but then I get over it. So if I feel depressed, the first question I ask myself is "is this depression just normal emotions"? It not always easy to tell, so I play the waiting game and see how it goes.

Then there are fluctuations in the efficacy of the meds. They work better some times than others. Again, the only way to tell is to wait it out, and these are longish cycles.

So. If I jumped meds every time I felt bad, it would be a constant game of russian roulette. Which I loathe to play even once. If I have learned anything about depression it is that I have to take a long term view.

I'm just rambling about a corner of my life while I wait. Feel free to ignore.

Comments

[llelwyn.livejournal.com]

I hope you find a med that will work for you or can bump up the dosage of your current med without problems. Side effects are a serious pain. Hopefully you'll be lucky and find something that works well without the problems.

~L

[misterx.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I'm going to try shuffling the dosage of one and discontinuing the other for a while. This is what I wanted to do, but didn't know if it was a viable plan, or if it was, how long to ramp down and how long to discontinue. Doc had the answers. So... Off I go.

[misterx.livejournal.com]

I was pretty lucky with regards to the amount of experimentation that had to be done. One that did nothing, and one that zombied me. The third time was the charm.

Trying to keep my luck going, we are just shuffling dosages for now. We'll see how it goes.

personal anecdote

[teal-cuttlefish.livejournal.com]

Which may or may not be helpful: I've been on Lexapro for years. When my insurance would only pay for generics, I was switched to Celexa, which Lexapro is derived from, and it did. not. work. But Lexapro has fewer side effects and has worked very well for me over a long term.

Good luck and hope you can find the magic bullet for your depression. I'm all too familiar with your situation -- I've had Prozac and Paxil both poop out on me and have taken other meds that might as well have been sugar pills.

Re: personal anecdote

[misterx.livejournal.com]

I use Lexapro now and it works pretty well. The current hypothesis is that I may be having seratonin saturation and I need to give the receptors a break, so I'm going to drop the lex for a month or so.

Re: personal anecdote

[teal-cuttlefish.livejournal.com]

I've never had serotonin saturation, that could be! I did have serotonin syndrome once when I was on Lexapro and the physician decided to treat my back pain with more antidepressants. That was pretty unpleasant, so stopping before that point is a very good idea.

[roaming.livejournal.com]

This stuff is sooo hard, I can't imagine having to deal with it at any time, nevermind while being actively depressed! I guess there's no help for it, it's just what's gotta be done. (Sor of "If you're going through hell, keep on going!")

I hope you get this sorted to your satisfaction. Meanwhile, just keep reminding yourself you're loved. Pretty good foundation.

[misterx.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I'll make it through this I'm sure. I'm a bit embarassed I bitched about it. I am being encouraged to post more p. :-/

[roaming.livejournal.com]

No, no don't ever be embarrassed to vent about that stuff. It's important, and venting about THAT is more like reaching out. Isolation is the killer in depression. Don't. No one will ever mind hearing about anyone's struggles to be less in the grip of the shadows.

[theweary.livejournal.com]

I totally agree .. entirely, isolation is horrible.. as friends we'd never mind hearing of it and helping in anyway we can even if it's just to be there.. listening.

[dampscribbler.livejournal.com]

You've articulated well exactly why I am so reluctant to try meds at all. Some people get their meds adjusted over the course of six weeks and never seem to have to think about anything but refills from that point on. But I come from a family with a history of not handling medications well -- between my brother, me, and my mom, we're talking four antidepressants, aspirin, opioids, several antibiotics, and even simple stuff like caffeine and aspartame. I've had several episodes during which I've seriously considered going on meds (including one so recent I'm not even sure it's over yet, but it's better), but I am so afraid of being made worse before getting better that I keep talking myself out of it.

I really hope you can find relief somehow sooner rather than later. As someone with mood disorders, I do understand, and you have my sympathy and best wishes.

[aysosytreeo.livejournal.com]

You described it well. You still have emotions in life that are normal. I have anxiety that is ongoing, though never diagnosed, as I seem to have lead a life of successive events that it would be normal to have anxiety about. I have often had depression secondary to anxiety, though there have been times when depression was primary.

I completely understand and agree with you about the changing of medications and feeling like it is pure guess work. With the half lives, the titrations, and the varying timeframes that medications take, it can only make things worse at times.

If you want, just lay there on the table, get comfortable under those straps, they won't be there long, and just open your mouth and we can all throw pills into your mouth. Whatever combo hits the target will be your new cocktail.

Seriously, though, I hear you, and I hope that this next trial is the successful remedy for you.

[misterx.livejournal.com]

I'm going to try increasing one and decreasing the other for a while, to give the corresponding receptors a break and see if its a saturation problem. If that works, I can ramp back up after a month or so.

[adamantplatypus.livejournal.com]

I think this is why I haven't gotten on meds before now. I assume that my feelings are "just normal emotions" without realizing that it's not normal to be constantly anxious, slightly paranoid, and feel overwhelmed by the depth of those emotions.

This entry put that into perspective for me. Occasionally feeling something is normal. Constantly or overwhelmingly is not.

Thank you.

[kritusi-vuki.livejournal.com]

I'm amazed. People have so little real understanding of their emotions.
Medication is not a solution.
It robs the people of the opportunity of learning to trust their depths, no matter how murky. And the courage to face it and walk through.
Don't you feel like an infant underneath the pills, kept away from your own courage? Your deepest needs unmet, your soul communication muffled, your instincts thrown out of balance?

Why do people live like that?

I guess it's my next task to share my emotional wealth and teachings how to handle darker emotions without giving your power away to medications, that do more damage than help, both long term and short term, profiting faceless companies that don't even care about your well being...

I've been through rough emotions and deep despair and what not, yet I found my inner strength.

I suppose that makes me a Teacher.

[natf.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I know this dance, myself, too well!